Breaking it down

Wake up.

Training for a marathon in the desert, in the summer, requires a lot of waking up early.  Many of our runs start before 5am, simply to avoid the triple digit heat. I have never been a big fan of being awake when the clock reads 4:anything.  As traumatic as it is to climb out of bed at unholy hours, that is not the type of waking up that is hardest for me.  For years I had been locked in an endless cycle of stress, exhaustion, excuses, and "rewards".  I was looking for a way out in all the wrong places.  It was wake-up time.  And much like hitting the snooze button, the waking up is not always immediate.  I feel like I have woken up in stages.  Some days I can see very clearly how much better my life is now that I am running.  And still some days, I have a really hard time waking up.  It's so much more than fumbling for your running shoes in the dark.  It's realizing that change is necessary.  It's drawing the connection between what you are eating and how you are feeling.  It's seeing your life from a different perspective, allowing you to be aware of the things that are really dragging you down.  In this sense, I am still waking up.  All.The.Time.

Run.

I used to think of "run" as a definitive word.  Either you were running, or you were not running.  "Do or do not, there is no try."  Well, sorry Yoda, but that is not the way I have found things to be.  Running is truly relative.  When I first started, a run for me was at a walking pace for many.  It took every bit of my energy, and I was still barely more than crawling.  But I didn't care.  Compared to sitting in front of the computer or taking a nap, it was a sprint!  Through this process, I have had to forgive myself over and over for not being as "fast" as I want to be.  I saw real increases in my speed at first, when I was just going a couple of miles.  But as I ventured into long runs, my pace slowed again.  It used to frustrate me.  But now I have learned to be OK.  When someone passes me along the trail, it's alright.  More power to them.  Maybe that will be me someday.  There is no benefit to beating yourself up over not being fast enough.  Instead of spurring me onward, it made me want to give up.  So as far as I'm concerned, as long as one foot keeps going in front of the other, you are running.  And keep it up.

Be Awesome.

Awesome:  Inspiring feelings of wonder and awe, or fear.  Fear!  I think that aspect of the definition of awesome is really interesting.  I have harbored a lot of fear through this process.  Fear of failure.  Fear of injury.  Fear of those dark blobs just outside of the flashlight beam.  Fear of not completing the marathon.  Etc.  I wouldn't take those feelings back.  Those fearful thoughts have helped me to work harder.  The aspect of fear has made the aspects of wonder and awe that much more pronounced.  If it wasn't hard, if there wasn't some part of me that wondered if I could do it after all, then the victory would not be nearly so sweet.  I remember telling myself that I could just do another 20 yards and then I could walk, and when I got there, I would do another 20 yards, and then another, and when I reached the end of the trail, I felt like yelling out a victory cry.  After one such run, I realized something.  It had been a while since I had felt that feeling of victory.  I certainly didn't feel that way after making dinner or helping with homework.  Some days I had a sense of accomplishment, but not that true thrill of victory.  Of doing something that I didn't think I could.  This training process has brought out of me the desire to be awesome in other aspects of my life.  I am no longer a spectator in my own life.  I am the one out there doing it.  And that's a pretty exciting place to be.